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Christmas in Queenstown

Thursday, December 25, 2014

It was a beautiful and sunny day in Queenstown. We actually slept in past 9am, which I think is a first the entire trip. It was magical. It wasn’t quite a lay in bed and eat panda express hangover day, but I was not feeling my best. Some of Stina’s friends are randomly in town and were headed up to do the gondola, so we decided to join them. Turns out they were planning on doing the hike up instead of riding the gondola. You all know how I now feel about kiwi hikes. Fool me once, shame on you. But I would not be fooled again. So up Stina and I went in the gondola with the old folks.

View from the top of the skyline gondola
View from the top of the skyline gondola
When we got to the top we had a look around. You can see all of Queenstown and Lake Wakatipu. They also have a few luge tracks at the top, so we tried our hand at that which was good fun.
Luge track
Luge track
By the end of our gondola adventure we were ready for some beers on the beach, so that is exactly what we did. Merry Christmas to us. The “beach” scene at the lake was quite colorful. We had the hippies, post burn and trying to walk a tight rope between two trees – endlessly entertaining. Then there was the Kiwi Ex bus kids – apparently they white boy rap when drunk. Oh happy day. We took a seat close by for the free entertainment. They came up with a great song.
Beach fun
Beach fun
One chord and a chorus that goes “whooo ooooo, Christmas in Queenstown” over and over and over again. Look for it on the itunes top 10. Dumb shits. The beach scene was fun, but it did confirm our suspicion that our Sweedish boyfriends were the hottest game in town. Rory and Stina for the win. Stina’s friends finally made it back down from the hike after about 4 hours. Needless to say I was quite pleased with our decision to ride the gondola with the members of the Rick Steve’s fan club.

Once we polished off our beer, we went back to the room, showered and popped a bottle of champs before dinner. Home Alone 2 was on one of our 9 channels. Stina heard it from the bathroom and rejoiced at our good fortune. Hark, the comedic genius of Macaulay Culkin. And then it was time for dinner. Another attempt at sit down dining in NZ. Talk about being a glutton for punishment. First, I want you all to recall the blog entry from about a week ago in Able Tasman where we waited an hour to be served pizza by homeless people. It was basically like that except this time our servers were showered. We had 9pm reservations at a Steakhouse with Stina’s friends. After getting a drink at the bar, we were finally seated at 9:45pm. We complained (obviously), drinks were comped, so no harm done. We then sat around eyeing people’s food until they took our order around 10:30pm, and bread came at 10:45pm. I had to stop myself from grabbing a piece before the plate hit the table. It was like the fucking hunger games. I even put salt and pepper on my bread. I think I was trying to pretend it was a piece of meat when I closed my eyes. Food finally came, which was decent but nothing to write home about. Stina’s friend Matt got this truffle bearnaise sauce that was pretty much the highlight of our meal. The staff at the restaurant seemed to think the fact that we were miffed by their shit service was a bit of an overreaction. Apparently we should have been thankful they were even open. Thank you so much, for allowing me to pay you for a service you are in the business of providing. Our server complained to us about having to work such a long day on Christmas. Cry me a fucking river. That ass hole is probably making double time, which equates to at the very least $35 an hour in NZ. Two can play at the giving zero fucks game, buddy. By 12:30am we had finally been fed and Stina and I were exhausted. As we had to be up at 6am for our Milford Sound bus, we headed home. I don’t even remember going to sleep. I think I was in an early REM cycle on the walk home and asleep before my head hit the pillow.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Today we woke up at 6am to catch our bus to the 8th wonder of the world and a world heritage site, Milford Sound! You all know that wherever UNESCO goes, Rory is soon to follow, so I was very excited about today. To do it in one day you basically take a 5 hour bus with some photo op stops, take a two hour boat ride at Milford, and then get back on the bus for another 4 hours back to Queenstown. We slept the first two hours, since our driver told us it doesn’t get good until after that. Then we were herded from place to place with 5 other buses of people trying to take pictures of the exact same shit. Now, when on one of these cookie cutter day tours to a wildly popular tourist attraction in any country you are bound to run into the Chinese bus (cue impending doom music). It cannot be avoided. They travel in large packs and can often be spotted shoving unsuspecting fellow tourists out of the way for a picture of a waterfall. Seriously, don’t fuck with these people if there is a waterfall. They would probably drown their old children racing to get a picture of a rainbow. Kiss all hopes of personal space goodbye when you see this bus. Or if possible, run. We also had a young Middle Eastern couple on one of the other buses and the man literally used his wife as a human shield, pushing her through the crowd to clear his royal path. She seemed sadly apathetic about her wifely travel duties. And then there are the young European girls who treat every stop as if it’s their Maxim test shoot. Although I’m sure the joke will be on me, because when I get home I won’t have an over the shoulder kissy-face shot of myself at a river who’s name I can’t pronounce. Damn you, hindsight.

The boat ride was pretty cool, although the weather was a bit cloudy, so the pics didn’t come out great. But you can google “Milford Sound in the sun”. I probably will too. If I’m being honest, I thought the scenery on the drive in was even more impressive than Milford Sound itself. But then again, its hard to impress me when the sun isn’t out. Suffice it to say I am happy I got to check old Milf off my list but I won’t be taking that 9 hour bus journey again. Nothing too notable for the rest of the evening once we got back, as we were so tired we went right to bed. After all, we have an 8am bungee jump tomorrow to rest up for. Ahhhhh!

Mirror lake
Mirror lake
Some lovely waterfalls on the Milf drive
Some lovely waterfalls on the Milf drive
Stina in a canyon - already forgot the name of it.
Stina in a canyon – already forgot the name of it.
Me on the Milford cruise!
Me on the Milford cruise!

Milford Sound
Milford Sound
It's actually a fjord
It’s actually a fjord

Not Your Mama’s Christmas Eve

I’m currently sitting on my balcony in Queenstown with a view of the Skyline Gondola and about 10 Christmas morning hang gliders trying to figure out where to even begin. Probably due to my hangover. Let me focus. Ok. In the morning we went to Puzzling World, which is basically a grown up version of the McDonalds play place. So Puzzleword has a bunch of rooms with crazy optical illusions and puzzles. In one room you feel like the room is slanted at a crazy incline and can barely walk across it, but when you roll a ball, up is down and down is up.

The gang at Puzzleworld in the slanted room
The gang at Puzzleworld in the slanted room

It’s hard to explain and that probably didn’t quite do it. There is also a giant outdoor human maze. We decided to tackle the Maze with our bus husbands. We figured between two doctors, a lawyer and an accountant (low man on the totem pole) how long could it possibly take? A long fucking time. I can’t believe they put mice through that shit.

In the maze with our bus husbands
In the maze with our bus husbands

I thought Stina was going to break down a wall to get us out. I tried to cheat like 12 times.

Then we were off to Queenstown! The adventure capital of the world. AKA, Rory’s paradise. We passed some beautiful lakes and crystal blue rivers on the way. Fairly standard for South Island. We also passed the 45th parallel, if that is cool to anyone. Doubtful. And then we arrived at AJ Hackett on the outskirts of the city for someone on our bus to jump off a bridge. We were at the famous “K Bridge”, which is the site of the world’s first commercial bungy (AJ Hackett and Co spells it this way, I do actually know how to spell bungee, just not much else).

K-bridge Bungy!
K-bridge Bungy!

We didn’t jump, as we were doing the canyon swing in about an hour, but suffice to say we signed up for a jump as soon as we got to our hostel. So pics in a few days! Then we were off to our Canyon Swing! A canyon swing is basically a bungee jump on crack. You are driven up into a canyon and then thrown off a ledge suspended in the canyon and swing through said canyon. Stina and I did a backwards tandem jump together first, to warm up. Then we each did a second swing where you hang upside down and the jumpmaster drops you…when you least expect it. Fucking amazing. Apparently if you jump topless its free. I told the guy 29 year olds can’t do shit like that, and frankly, no one wants to see 29 year old boobies flopping around in a canyon anyway. He asked if I was married. I said no. And he said “oh, then you are fucked. It’s ok for a guy to be old and unmarried, but not a girl”. I told him I was aware and why did he think I was throwing myself off a cliff? Ass hole. Later that night I became 25 again, so no worries.

The Canyon...and what you jump off of
The Canyon…and what you jump off of
Stina and I about to jump backwards off the ledge
Stina and I about to jump backwards off the ledge
Stina being reeled back up after her second jump
Stina being reeled back up after her second jump

After our canyon swings we picked up our bags and had to find our hostel. We stopped on the street and asked a girl working in a fish and chips stall where Church Street was. She said she didn’t know and would google it for us. It was the next street over. Literally, the cross street of her place of fucking employment. Stina could not handle the stupidity. I thought she was going to perform an impromptu sterilization right there at the stall. So I must repeat my question from the other day’s post: how the hell do these morons get themselves to work? I wanted to give her a card for my “how to not be loser” seminar, but I haven’t gotten around to printing them up. Bad for business, I know. I’ve been a little busy. We arrive at our hostel to find a lovely private room that basically looks like a hotel room. A little Christmas present I booked for Stina a few months ago. She looked like she was going to wet herself. We then bought a shit load of booze, as they don’t sell any on Christmas day here, and everyone knows that provisioning is always the key to a good holiday. $20 says half our bus will have no booze and be crying about it on Christmas day. The half that are losers.

And then it was FERGBERGER time. If you have not heard of a Fergberger, google it. It’s basically Queenstown’s In-n-out. Their claim to burger fame. The end-all, be-all of food in this fair little city. So we met up with some of our bus mates, queued for about 20 minutes, and settle into burger bliss by the lake. We fully expected to be disappointed, especially after the sad excuse for Mexican food we had the other night. Oh, that reminds me, we have two Mexican girls on the bus, and everyone just calls them “the Mexicans”. When they are late, our bus driver goes “Where are those damn Mexicans?”. She is totally serious. I laugh my ass off every time. There are two other girls who are not Mexican but are really tan and no one can tell the four apart, so we just refer to all of them them as “The Mexicans”. But I digress. Fergberger was the shit. They are literally as big as your head. They do breakfast burgers as well, so naturally that is now on the itinerary. Later at the bar I was so full I had to have one of our bus husbands rub my belly.

Belly rub from one of our hubbies
Belly rub from one of our hubbies

It sounds weird…but I’ve had him do it before, after all-you-can-eat pizza night. To a 29 year old overeater, a belly rub is better than foreplay. I can’t possibly be alone is this, can I?

And then it was bar crawl time. Also known as “7pm” here in NZ. And you people wonder why I pass out at midnight every night. 5 hours of drinking is like a marathon for this old bitch. We started at Loco’s where we did our secret santa gift exchange. Thank god one of the A-team people got me, and I was rewarded with rings that you can blow bubbles from ($5 max on the gift – I’m not sure how you can do better than bubble rings for $5, honestly. She outdid herself). These would come in handy later in the night…I’ll get there. Stina got this one girl, Sofie (who we like) a mini nerf gun that you can shoot people with. Basically, the best present ever. Sofie did not agree and was very disappointed. When we were shopping we must have forgotten that Sofie is a real girl and hates all things fun. More for show than go, if you know what I mean. So I gave her one my bubble rings in exchange for the gun and proceeded to put the gun to people’s heads and threaten to shoot them for about an hour. Doesn’t sound funny now. But vodka makes a lot of weird shit funny.

Mushache maddess
Mushache maddess

Oh, and someone got stick-on mustaches. Stina and I spent about an hour just fucking around with all the lame presents laughing our asses off. People were confused.

We then moved on to another bar which played non-stop Christmas music and we all danced our asses off for about 2 hours until normal, non-backpacker bus folk started to accumulate. We had a limbo competition using a string of tinsle as the pole. The DJ put up a $50 bar tab to the winner, so you know it was on. Stina, myself, and horse face (not sure I’ve mentioned her before, but her face looks like a horse and her voice is super manly – yes, more manly than mine!) came in second and some no-fun nancy skinny bitch took first. Games like that need to be scored on a sliding scale that take into account your weight-to-height-to-age-to-awesomeness ratio. The bar tab was wasted on this bitch. Later that night there was a competition for who could look the most Christmasy. As the only Jew in the room, I was naturally the obvious choice for our group of friends to thrown their support behind. It was clear that the boring bitch (who already won a game!!) was going to win, as the B-team decorated her, and they are FAR more numerous in number than the A-team and therefore had more Christmas shit at their disposal. So Stina literally stole the Christmas tree from behind the bar and I danced around holding it on my head. It was for sure a winner. But I was basically disqualified for theft.

The Jew that stole Christmas
The Jew that stole Christmas

The one time Kiwis actually give a fuck is when you put a tree on your head?! Come the fuck on! I demanded a recount. My plea fell of the deaf ears of the grinch working the bar. Bastards.

But our luck was about to turn. Because upon returning from the ladies room (where I pissed on a Santa Hat that someone had put in the toilet – zero fucks!!) Stina informed me she had found the hottest guys in the bar. So I did what any 25 year old gal would do…I went up behind them and blew bubbles at their (very tall) heads. As that did not illicit the response I was looking for (which was eternal love) I pushed my way to the bar next to them…the classic whoo girl move, been doing it for years ladies. Works just about every time until you turn 25, and then the effectiveness drops exponentially, much the like viability of your eggs. But it was my lucky night, because it worked. Stina got the hotter one, but I got the younger one. If we are being honest, the younger one got stuck with me. But 29 year olds who pretend to be 25 at bars take whatever scraps they can get. So bring on the 26 year old Sweedish wing-men! Did I mention these hot men were both about 6’8 and BROTHERS. It was a Christmas miracle. The bar closed so we spilled onto the streets and loitered about for a while. The extremely tall and good looking Sweedish men wondered how we knew everyone in town. We mumbled something about a bus but kept the explanation short, as we preferred them to think we were kind of a big deal.

Tall, beautiful Sweedish boyfriends. Merry X-mas to us..
Tall, beautiful Sweedish boyfriends. Merry X-mas to us..

Then, as you all well know, after the party is the after-party. We went back to our luxurious flashpacker suite to pop bottles. Yes, I actually said “lets go pop some bottles”, and yes, the Sweeds thought it was hilarious. So we spend the next few hours drinking Rose Sparking wine, dancing to the Jammy pack, and introducing the Sweeds to the baby dino. No, that is not secret lingo for some weird sexual move. It is literally where I just talk in a high pitched voice as a baby dinosaur. A Pterodactyl, to be exact. At one point my boo decided he also wanted to be a baby dino, so I made him get in the fetal position and then declared him re-born a Velociraptor Dino and instructed him to make whatever noise he thinks a baby raptor would make. It’s about as weird as it sounds. Keep in mind it was 2am and I had already drank every vodka tonic in town. After sufficiently scaring these boys, we sent them home to their parents. Yes, they were on Holiday with their parents. We also invited ourselves to (1) Christmas dinner with their parents, and (2) Their NYE party in Sydney. They don’t want us at either one. Shocker.

Winning in Wanaka

Tuesday, Dec 23

Today was pretty freaking fabulous. There are going to be lots of pics, because we covered a lot of ground. You’re welcome. Big bus day with a lot of stops. Stop #1 was Lake Matheson (aka mirror lake) with beautiful views of Mt. Cook in the background. image We did a short little hike to the lake and then some lounging in the sun. Then we were off to the beach for lunch. Now, when your driver tells you “we’ll have lunch at the beach tomorrow”, what would you bring? Perhaps a bathing suit? Maybe even a beach towel if you are really getting crazy? These people showed up in jeans, runners, yoga pants, basically everything except proper beach attire. It was like Torrance beach on fucking Cinco de Mayo.

Beachin' it
Beachin’ it
Stina and I strip to our suits, lay out our towels and turn on the jammy pack while everyone watched us and said “oh, you guys are so prepared!”. What did you think was going to happen here? Add “appropriate beach wear” to the list things I have to put in my social interaction class. Everyone freaked out at the dolphins. Our driver at one point said something like “how often do you get to eat lunch on a beach and watch dolphins swim?!” To which I responded “oh, we call that Saturday back at home”. People were not amused.

After the beach-in-jeans stop we were back on the bus following the Haast river on our way South. This is easily the most beautiful driving day we’ve had since we’ve gotten to NZ. The amazing weather probably had something to do with that. We stopped at Thunder Creek Falls for a little walk and a photo op.

Dinos at Thunder Creek Falls
Dinos at Thunder Creek Falls
This is also known as “LSD falls”, because if you stare at the waterfall long enough and then look away, everything looks trippy like you are on LSD. Or so I’m told. I’m gonna have to take people’s word on that one. We caught up with the Kiwi bus at the waterfalls. They left about 2 hours before us, so not sure what they were doing all day. Probably took a break to actually do LSD from the looks of them. Fucking rag-tag bunch of little half-wits.

Then it was on to the the blue pools, which are these amazingly clear pools that are formed where the Haast River and the Makaroro River meet. They have suspension bridges along the hike. So naturally, what does one do when met with a lovely bridge with crystal blue water running under? Strip on the bridge and jump off. While the boys were considering their options, Stina and I said fuck it, hoped over the side of the bridge and just went for it.image Team America for the win, once again. Did I mention the water was fed by glacier runoff? God it was so fucking cold. Half my boob was hanging out when I got out of the water and I didn’t notice because I was so cold I couldn’t even feel them. Can you boobs fall off from frostbite? I really hope that is not a thing. Anyway, I self corrected before anyone saw. This is not the kiwi bus…we keep our tits in our shirts like ladies.

And then, we made it to Lake Wanaka. Oh, beautiful Lake Wanaka. Fourth largest lake in NZ, but the most beautiful lake I think I have ever seen in my life. The pictures are good, but even they don’t do it justice.

The amazing reflection in Lake Wanaka
The amazing reflection in Lake Wanaka
This place is basically like heaven. We checked into our room – private suite, per usual. The couples on the bus are really getting annoyed with the fact that Stina and I have a private room every night while they have to play roomate Russian Roulette in the dorms. It’s not rocket science, all you have to do is go on this little thing called the internet and book a fucking room ahead of time. It really baffles me how some of these people get through life without someone like me to explain shit to them. I don’t even know how their ass gets wiped. How do they get to work in the morning? Or pay their bills? They can’t even figure out how to book a room. And these are the ones that will probably soon be procreating. In dorm rooms. God help us. Maybe I shouldn’t have kids. What if they are stupid like these people? Nah, not possible. Not with a combination of genes from myself and my helicopter-owning future husband. Phew.

We went for Mexican food in Wanaka with our bus driver, Lego. We were supposed to go as a big group of people from the bus, but we didn’t like the people that showed up for Mexican night (B-team) so the three of us literally just sat at a different table. You know how I always say, if I don’t like you, you’ll know? Case in point. Subtlety is wasted on people like that anyway. Subtlety is what got Smelly Cat thinking she was our friend and trying to hang out with us. Which reminds me, Smelly Cat’s stench was in rare form today. Probably because it was so hot. And she was sitting across from Stina on the bus. I don’t even know how these people get up to the front of the bus. The front is for the cool crew. All 12 or so of us (it’s slim pickins). I’m waiting for Stina to punch her the face or something. Because no one will expect it coming from her.

We are now lounging in our room getting ready for an early night. After all, tomorrow is a big day – Queenstown Christmas Eve Canyon Swing and then bar crawl! Shall we take bets on if I can stay awake past midnight on the bar crawl?

Stina at Lake Wanaka
Stina at Lake Wanaka
Rory at Lake Wanaka
Rory at Lake Wanaka

Franz Joseph fun

So we left off on the evening of December 22. I promised you a crazy party night, as I was promised by our diver that the bar would “go off”. Not the case. I was desperately hoping for some non-backpacker bus people so that I could momentarily be a normal person, but alas it was not in the cards. The Kiwi Experience bus was there, however. Which is basically the same as Stray (the bus we are on), except they average 5-8 years younger and apparently don’t shower. It basically looks like a bus full for kids who make bombs in their basements being sent to reform school. Seriously frightening. Thank the lord we went with Stray. Or I’d definitely have been arrested by now for kicking the crap out of one of those little shits. I called out the Sweedish storytelling photog and told him he was creeping the girls out and to stop taking pictures of them. Someone had to do it.

Drinking fun with some of the Stray crew
Drinking fun with some of the Stray crew
He tried to play innocent, but I know better. There is probably a website somewhere with our heads photoshopped onto naked bodies in some sick bus-fantasy senario. I got in a fight with an 18 year old German boy who I had the strong urge to punch. I decided that was my cue for some Rory alone time (I’ve been doing surprisingly well up till this point). I went to my room at about 11pm just so I could drink my vodka sodas in bed alone and watch TV…because we actually had a TV. Stina stayed out dancing and what not though. I’m going to try to think of something exciting from the night to tell you.

The Dick Docs gave us a little insight into why men desperately need their services. Apparently in Germany, and sadly probably elsewhere, guys stick their dicks in vacuum cleaners. Like, for sexual pleasure. And apparently some of the older models have the motor in the front instead of the back. Ouch. So if you wonder why German men universally have the male-equivalent of the bitchy resting face, it’s probably because they are scarred by getting their penis caught in a hoover. We also learned about swaffling, which is just when you go around slapping shit with your dick. Basically the perverted equivalent of planking. Do we have this term at home? Stina and I informed them that this was typically just referred to as a dick slap. But “swaffling” sounds much more scientific so we’ll go with that from now on. Luckily, we have no swafflers on our bus. Can’t say the same for the kiwi bus. Oh, and I finally realized why I’m single. I’ve been using the wrong pick up lines. So, I’ve decided to steal the best line ever from our bus driver, Lego: “Do you like bread?” And if the answer is yes, follow up with “Do you like garlic bread?”. Because, let’s be honest, weeding out the non-bread eating freaks is imperative. I know my Brother is currently reading this thinking “Rory, you should not be eating bread”. He’s probably right.

We woke up bright and early for our helicopter ride to the Franz Joseph glacier!!! It was fucking awesome. Rory’s first helicopter ride. I can’t believe I’ve been looking for a boyfriend with a private plane all this time (please see section on why I’m single) when what I really want is a helicopter and I didn’t even know it! But seriously, these things fucking rock. We then spent about 3 hours hiking around the glacier. Is it weird that this my second time in crampons in 2014? Our guide was a horrid storyteller – every story he told us ended with something horrid happening. Like the one about the guys who got stuck in an ice cave for 13 days and had their legs amputated…right before we went into an ice cave. And he had a shit eating grin on his face at the end of each story, which was a bit eerie. I think I’m going to have to add an optional storytelling seminar to my social interaction course. The course load for “how to not be a loser” is looking quite heavy. Anyway, we got to walk through this big narrow crevice and go through a little ice tunnel on our bums. For the record, 3 hours on a glacier is about 1 hour to many. But at least we had a helicopter ride to look forward to on the way down. Little travel fact: Helicopter is the only way to reach this glacier, as it is the fastest retreating glacier in the world. In about 90 years it will be completely gone. Some pics for you below!

Our ride to the glacier!
Our ride to the glacier!
View of Franz Joseph glacier from the helicopter
View of Franz Joseph glacier from the helicopter
Me on the glacier in full gear and crampons!
Me on the glacier in full gear and crampons!
Stina going through an ice cave
Stina going through an ice cave
Crevice in the ice we hiked through
Crevice in the ice we hiked through
Stina wants a helicopter too!
Stina wants a helicopter too!
'copter captain Rory
‘copter captain Rory

After our glacier experience we were supposed to go kayaking (you know Rory loves a double activity day) but apparently the water levels were too high and rough, so the trip was cancelled. We were secretly a little happy, as this meant we got to spend the afternoon lounging the hot pools and napping before ALL YOU CAN EAT PIZZA NIGHT.

At about 7pm, we headed over for the pizza extravaganza. Now, the “all you can eat” was bullshit for a few reasons: (1) they bring out garlic bread and fries first, so you fill up on that shit and eat less pizza. I knew their game immediately…but I still ate the fries. I have no self control. (2) After bringing out a bunch of pizzas, they they make you wait 20 minutes in between pizza rounds, so that you have time to realize how full you are…just mean, (3) They give you a free beer, also to fill you up – ok I just realized I’m complaining about free beer, so I’ll retract this one, but you see my point, 4) they have a “last call” for ordering pizza. Now, I’m not saying I wasn’t full. I couldn’t have eaten another slice to save my life. But that shit ain’t “all you can eat”. But alas we are in NZ and in true not-giving-a-fuck fashion if they want to call it “all you can eat” they will. The only other people that seemed outraged by this false advertising were our German husbands. Which is another reason for the “why we love our bus husbands” column.

Crack kills, people.
Crack kills, people.

After all you can eat pizza night was the nightly game where you can win free shit – tonight’s game was the same as last night’s – rock, papper, scissors (Stina gets spelling credit for scissors, thank you Stina). And guess who actually won??? That’s right, little old Rory. All of our bus mates had gone to bed, so it was just us and our husbands there to rep Stray for the game (one of the Dick Docs won last night). There were about 25 kids from the GAP Experience bus. Now, the GAP kids are basically annoying, loud, spoiled, rich British kids who’s mommy’s and daddy’s fund their travels and have not yet figured out that the world doesn’t actually revolve around their twitter accounts. Basically, the Kiwi Experience kids but with money and friends. I could practically smell the Chlamydia emanating from this group. So naturally, I was beyond thrilled when I won, which was probably the only thing in the world that could shut these little fuckers up. We went to bed before they could drink themselves annoying again.

New Zealand’s sad little city of Westport

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Happy Birthday Drew!!! I think the fact that it was my little brother’s birthday was the most exciting part of the day. And he isn’t even here.

Today we left Able Tasman National Park and headed to Westport. The sky was pretty gloomy and the forecast was rain. Our options for activities were surfing or horseback riding, neither or which are my cup of tea even when the sun is shining. We made a stop at “seal colony” on the way. Once you’ve been to SF, four seals sleeping on a rock just doesn’t really do it for ya. Then on to Westport on New Zealand’s West Coast. What is in Westport you ask? Absolutely nothing. Oh wait no, they have a supermarket. And coal museum, which was closed. I felt like I was in Tombstone. The only thing that is worse than this shit shitty little town, is this shitty little in town in the rain. I’ll give you one guess what we did to pass the time today. That’s right, Rory and Stina hit the Tui beer. We literally just sat around drinking beer all afternoon and evening. Oh wait, we had magnums too. And we ate dinner. We did another group dinner. Which basically means our bus driver buys a shit load of food, a group of people volunteer to cook, and then another group volunteers to do dishes, and Stina and I drink. The entire time. And say thank you. We are still waiting for someone to notice that we never do shit. Either they haven’t or they are too afraid to say something to us. My guess is its the latter.

Just an FYI, there are two new Americans on our bus that I did not tell you about yesterday because they are boring. I thought they were brother and sister. But no. They are on their honeymoon. On a backpacker bus. I’m pretty sure that is grounds for an annulment. At least it should be. What judge on earth wouldn’t grant that to you? I know this goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway just so its on record. If my new husband (whoever that lucky devil may be) takes me on a backpacker bus full of ass holes like me for our honeymoon, its over. Is this the part where everyone thinks to themselves “thats why she is still single”? If so, then yes. That is exactly why.

We played card games most of the evening with a bunch of Germans and Dutch. They have a game similar to Uno that you play with a deck of cards, but way less cool. At one point it was myself, Stina, and two others. They mentioned their ages – 18 and 19. Holy shit I’m old. I’ll be sending their parents a bill for babysitting. So we had some harmless good fun, but the bench of the table we were sitting on made my ass really itchy. That’s the worst. So we called it a fairly early night. Which is good, because tomorrow we head to Franz Joseph, and apparently shit gets cray in Franz Joseph. Sorry today’s blog sucks but I will no doubt have some absurd stories for you in the next one. Apparently there is a dance floor in Franz. FML.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Today we got to sleep in. Stina and I regained our rightful places in the front row of the bus with our German bus husbands (the Dick Docs). The old lady Bonnie stole our seat yesterday. She learned her lesson real quick though, don’t worry. Our driver, Lego, came to get us in the morning when she was unlocking the bus so we could get our spots in the front. It’s basically the opposite of high school. Cool kids sit in the front of the bus, boring faces in the back. And we sit next across from our German Dick Docs and pretend to hit on them all day. They secretly love it. Today we are headed for Franz Joseph!!! For those of you who don’t know what that means (all of you), we are going glacier hiking! And taking a helicopter to the glacier…weather permitting. Everyone cross your fingers.

Today we were supposed to stop along the drive for some hike. Probably to a waterfall, knowing NZ. But instead we opted to go to The Warehouse to pimp out our bus with Christmas decorations and do a Secret Santa. The Warehouse is basically the Walmart of NZ, minus the crazy Christianity and anti-union sentiment that goes along with it. So basically, heaven. It is true current-day NZ culture. Our bus is fucking ridiculous. Christmas shit everywhere. We made a video to Mariah Carey’s “I don’t want a lot for Christmas”…I’ll give you one guess who picked the song – me and Stina, obvi. And then we basically had a Christmas party on the truck bus while driving to Franz. Probably the most fun I’ve had at a party sober in a while. Or ever…since I’ve never been to a party sober. I basically make it my life’s mission to avoid being sober at parties. Perhaps I’m turning over a new leaf. But the case of beer under my seat at the moment says otherwise…

We also went to see some pancake rocks. It wasn’t too exciting, but I know you want pics of something. And we stopped at a “shaddow” cave, where you can take cute pics and all you can see is the shaddow. Obviously, the following had to be done.

The pancake rocks.  If you are into rocks.  I'm sure Bonnie is.
The pancake rocks. If you are into rocks. I’m sure Bonnie is.
Yeah, thats me and stina.
Yeah, thats me and stina.
More rocks
More rocks

Right after we all started to calm down, Smelly Cat decides that the party got her a little heated. So she took off her jacket, which was the only thing separating her arm pits from us, as she is in a tank top. I gaged. Literally. Oh did I mention she loves us and always tries to sit near us? This is where being so damn lovable really has its drawbacks.

Smelly Cat.  We jacked the pic from her fb.  Just to give you all a visual.
Smelly Cat. We jacked the pic from her fb. Just to give you all a visual.

Alright, we’ve just arrive in Franz Joseph’s. Tonight’s raging party will be on tomorrow’s blog, so I suggest you tune in. Just to give you a hint of what you are in for, Stina won a beer a check in for looking the most convincing when asked “who likes beer?” Thats my girl.

Sailing Able Tasman

Friday, Dec 19

Today we went on an all day sailing trip though Able Tasman national park. We woke up feeling surprisingly good, made breakfast and packed a lunch for the day and we were off. Boyfriends are leaving today…so it’ll be a quiet night in. Which we desperately need.

We get on our catamaran around 10am, which just happens to be beer o’clock. That’s right my friends, BYO sailing trip. The sun is actually shining, which is a fucking miracle in NZ and something we usually only get once every few days. Nothing too notable to tell you here. The usual shit: everything was so beautiful, blah, blah, blah. Big waves, the actual sailing part was cold, which is something you tend to forget because the prospect of being on a boat is just so appealing.

Got pretty windy...
Got pretty windy…
On a boat - where I belong
On a boat – where I belong
Happy Stina on the cat
Happy Stina on the cat
Our views for the day
Our views for the day

So since I have nothing too ridiculous story-wise, I’ll introduce you to some of our bus mates. Some are new, just joining the bus on the South Island, and some have been with us a while and I just haven’t discussed them. But since a lot of our key players hopped off in Wellington, we need to get you acquainted with some the new group:

We have the Germans. Who we refer to as “the Dick Docs” because they are actually dick doctors. Urologists, if you want the technical term. One of the poor guys actually offered that little piece of information to us, having no idea we would then use it to ridicule them endlessly. Have you boys learned nothing over the past week? FYI, we like the Dick Docs. They are fab. And hilarious. And honestly its just fun to talk in a funny German accent to them.

We have the weirdo who fondles men in bars, which I told you about in yesterday’s post. We basically spent the whole day on the boat making fun of that freak. Oh – apparently someone asked him if he was gay, you know, because he was grabbing dude’s junk, and he said no. We may have to stage a gay intervention to let him know that we are actually more aware of his sexuality than he is. I’m sure I’ll lead it. Can’t wait.

Who else…omg. The fucking storytelling photog. Another freak. This dude is from Sweden (does not look like it) and keeps interrupting people’s convo’s to tell stories. Problem: he is the worst fucking storyteller in the universe (yes, Kim Ortloff, worse than you). Not only does no one care because he’s weird, that shit never ends. Get to the punch buddy. It get’s worse. He spent the entire day on the boat taking pictures of all the girls. And I don’t mean sneaking pictures under the radar. He just walked around snapping pics of girls. I should get him an application for Girls Gone Wild cameraman. That is his calling. Fucking pathetic. Still, it get worse. This is what made me hate him on an entirely new level. His feet. They make me want to die, but I can’t stop looking. He has massive finger toes. He literally has one too many joints in each one. He could paint the fucking Cistene Chapel with those nasty litte fuckers. And he can curl them up and it LITERALLY looks like a fist. As in, a hand. I couldn’t make this nasty shit up if I tried.

There is a group of German girls who literally don’t speak. Like, ever. And they just stare at us. I have caught them staring at us like 5 times in the past few days. I’ve ruled out the fact that it’s because they think we are beautiful American goddesses. Not really getting an admiration vibe from these creep-tastic stares. And you never know with the Germans because they can be cray so I’m not sure what they are plotting. They are also fucking morons. It took them about 12 minutes to figure out how to get off the catamaran. I’ll give you a hint…it involves walking down steps, and….nope that’s it. And I was behind them, so you can probably imagine how close they came to be pushed off a boat today.

There is also a super smelly dutch girl who shall henceforth be referred to as smelly cat. She always stinks. And she is like the monkey on Family Guy, always lurking, just a sniff away. And then we have Bonnie. Oh, Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie. What the fuck are you doing on this bus? She is about 45 years old, if I’m being generous, and thankfully I’m in a good mood. She carries around a giant camera, wears soccer mom pants even though she has no children, and looks at all of us like we are the exact reasons she has decided not to procreate. However I suspect the real reason for that is the lack of men knocking on her door. And once they do knock, they probably find little children stacked in her over in her house made out of candy.

We do like some other people: A dutch girl who hates the storytelling photog even more than I do. Which is precisely why I like her. A French-Canadian who is pretty cool. We got some new Americans, but it’s definitely the B-team, nothing exciting there. We hang out with our driver a lot because she is fucking awesome. And her most-used phrase is “fucking awesome”. Anyone who uses the word “fuck” 498 times a day is a friend of mine. Today she caught Stina and I making Marcel the Shell and dino growling noises at each other and laughing hysterically (which we do about 47 times a day, on average). She told us she thinks we have problems. She is correct.

I think this bus Company should hire me to give a social interaction class to everyone before they get on. Like a orientation for how to not be a loser. Actually, fuck that. That would be awful for me. Great for the kids, but awful for me. Plus our bus driver thinks (knows) that I’m fucking crazy, so I don’t think they want me rubbing off on anyone.

I can’t end a blog without a little story of Kiwis giving no fucks. We went to a pizza place for dinner with a few peeps. It is actually the same hippy honky-tonk that we drank at last night. Small town. Can’t get a menu or water. Ask 4 times. Get menu and water. Can’t get anyone to take our order. Waitresses walk by and don’t stop when you say “excuse me!?” One of the two waitresses then sits down to have a nice meal. In the middle of dinner service. Other waitress then stops by her table to have a little chat. We finally place order. When food finally comes, we ask for a side of sauce. They tell us that we, their paying customers, have to go ask the pizza oven guy ourselves. They don’t do that. Stina goes to get sauce. They tell her to ask the waitress. She holds her ground and finally gets sauce. This is why the whole “no tipping” thing is not as cool as it looks. Not that Kiwis would give a fuck even if you did tip them. Oh, did I mention the part where someone drives a beat-up 1986 honda INTO the outdoor restaurant where 4 people who I’m pretty sure actually live in the car, together, get out looking like they just came from burning man. Bizarre, right? Who would do something so rude? Something that probably violates about 12 health codes. Oh, just their FUCKING EMPLOYEES. Yeah. Remember high-as-balls bartender from yesterday’s post? He was one of them. Wait, no health codes in NZ. Because THEY DON’T GIVE A FUCK. So yeah, we laughed our asses off through dinner.