Who am I kidding, I don’t want to be President of anything. I’d rather set my sights on running for the HBIC of the Real Housewives of Anywhere. I’ve already made a mental note to absentee ballot and leave the country during the next presidential election. Preferably to somewhere with no wifi and therefore no access to facebook. The endless stream of political tirades has made me long for the days of starbucks selfies and pics of girls in full makeup at the gym. So for the next week while in Jamaica, the ten of us will be an amiable group of harmless Canadians in search of warm weather, high seas and stocked bars. Our political ties will lie only to our hot Prime Minister. The democratic process will be replaced by a travel dictatorship. And there will be only one party – ours. So before we jump in to another amazing trip full of beach parties, waterfalls, boats and booze, let me take you back to how this all started…
Riddle me this. What do you get when you combine four well-traveled adults with Saturday brunch and four bottomless mimosas? Apparently, a trip to Jamaica. The following Monday at work I texted my partners in crime to see if (1) they actually remembered our plans for a Jamaica trip and (2) were serious about it. Everyone knows that a drunk “yes” is a tepid “maybe” at best once sobered up. If your friends try to hold you to plans that you made while drunk, you need to get drunker friends. Which is why I was pleasantly shocked to find that my obligatory Monday follow-up was met with a resounding sober “yes”. By Monday afternoon I had a budget, some leads on villas, and a draft itinerary. Slow day at the office…
I’m going to intro the people on this trip in waves and keep it brief, because there are ten of us and it’s gonna take a while. The godfathers of the drunk brunch planning crew include my little brother, and my two boyfriends. My little brother bowed out of the trip a few months into the planning phase, so that leaves the boyfriends. To be clear, only one is actually my boyfriend. The other is his best friend and I just find it more efficient to yell “hey, boyfriends!” at them when in a group setting.
First, lets meet the boyfriend, Mike. Yes, Rory has a boyfriend. And yes, that boyfriend has an awesome beard.
How we met: At the LA Yacht Week 10th Anniversary party under champagne showers and a vodka induced haze.
Likes: Champagne, bottomless brunch, dance floors, NFL Red Zone, GEAR, dorking out over electronics and investment options, string cheese, Trader Joe’s knock-off Spaghetti-Os, speedos, beard grooming, family feud marathons with his awesome girlfriend, and apparently really loud chicks.
Dislikes: He really doesn’t dislike much. This quality will make him very well suited to be the “first man” of Jamaica.
Favorite travel memory: Running with the bulls in Pamplona
Next up is Tyler.
How we met: At the LA Yacht Week 10th Anniversary party.
Likes: Dating – seriously this guy has more dates than Palm Springs, being punctual (which I greatly appreciate), planning trips (he is the Rory of his group of friends), speedos, brunching, sour cream, Mike
Dislikes: Pants, the dreaded asian tour bus, sacrificing a good time for the sake of your health.
Favorite travel memory: Sleeping on cardboard in a park in Pamplona with Mike during the San Fermin Festival after watching Spain win the World Cup, and waking up to a fellow vagabond silhouetted in the sunrise receiving a morning BJ, follewed by running hungover with the bulls.
So Mike, Tyler and I set out to find a solid crew of people to embark on our journey of becoming the first Jamaican drinking team. Nuff people say they know they cant believe, Jamaica, we have a drinking team. If you didn’t get the Cool Runnings reference there, you should be ashamed of yourself. What the fuck where you doing in the early 90’s if you weren’t chanting “Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme”? Study up, because that is the first of many, my friends. Cool Runnings is one of my top five movies of all time. And with that, lets meet more of the team. I’m lazy so I’m going to do some couple intros:
Allie and Jesse – you all may remember my hype girl and BFF Allie from our drunken Cabo escapades. This time, she is bringing her other half, Jesse.
How they met: They fell in love in a hopeless place – at a bar.
Likes: Jesse enjoys spearfishing and presenting a general demeanor of apathy in all situations. Allie enjoys her dog, Twinkie, wine, cheese, costumes, procrastination and making bad decisions with me.
Dislikes: I sense that Jesse carries a general disdain for most humans, a trait he and I share. Beyond that, who knows. Allie dislikes a lot of things these days, but I refuse to get political in the blog. So let’s keep it moving.
Favorite travel memory together: A romantic moped ride in Santorini that ended with an empty gas tank on the side of the road, a long walk, and a dusty bus ride back to the hotel. Needless to say these two will not be in charge of logistics for this trip.
Stina and Max – That’s right folks – the founding travel partner with whom this blog was started, my fellow “Dino down under“, travel soul mate and worldly unicorn, Stina, is finally back. This time, she is bringing her boyfriend, Max, along for the ride.
How they met: They swiped right and never looked back.
Likes: Max like star wars, spaghetti, and tennis. Stina likes unicorns, pizza, prosecuting people to the full extent of the law, pool parties, awkward faces and snuggling.
Dislikes: Max dislikes traffic (no shit), commercials and condiments (wtf?). I don’t feel the need to list dislikes for Stina, as any minor grievances pale in comparison to her complete and utter disdain for stupid people. This girl has a legitimate zero tolerance policy for fucktards. But don’t worry, you’ll know if she hates you, because her cute little face hides nothing.
Favorite travel memory together: An impromptu valentines day champagne shower in a hotel room in Carmel. With actual champagne you weirdos!
How we met: In college…I don’t recall the details. That is true for most of my college career. If I had to guess I’d say we met at a pre-party with mutual friends (Stina) while I was yelling “Shots!”. That’s how I met about 90% of people in college…
Likes: wine, 2-for-1 drinks at NYC gay bars, brunch, chillin’ with netflix (but not netflix and chillin’ if you catch my drift)
Dislikes: slow walkers that take up the entire sidewalk (I fully agree that they should be sterilized), Beyonce, late-night texts from fuckboys, crooked sunglasses
Favorite travel memory: Sleeping in a park in Pamplona during the running of the bulls. Apparently parks in Pamplona are the hot place to be.
Sarah and Autumn – last but not least, the young girls who have yet to be fully ravaged by the poor decisions of the harrowing decade knows as “your 20’s”.
How we met: Sarah is Mike’s little sister, and Autumn is her friend. We said “Jamaica?” and they said “Hell yes”. That is all the qualifications you need to get on this blog.
Likes: I’m not really sure, as I don’t know them too well yet. But since they are in their early twenties and good looking, I’ll venture to guess that their hobbies include going out to bars, accepting free drinks, going out in public sans makeup and lots of tinder.
Dislikes: They are young, cute and skinny. They aren’t allowed to have dislikes yet. When your body starts falling apart and the botox bill starts going up you can be mad at the world like the rest of us. Enjoy it while it lasts, ladies.
Favorite travel memory: Hitting the bars every Saturday night. Although, I’m not sure a blackout qualifies as a memory…
If that isn’t a group worthy of a fake Olympic team, I don’t know what is.