It’s been about a month, so obviously it’s time for another Bachelorette party! I know you all are probably wondering what the hell happened in Cabo, after the blog’s rather abrupt decent into silence. Well, the grand finale consisted of me curled up like a little burrito around the toilet in my hotel bathroom, praying to any Mexican god who would listen to get me back to the USA. Apparently my commitment to this blog doesn’t reach past hangovers. Sue me, I have a day a job. And I’m old. You know that Toby Keith song that goes “I ain’t as good as I once was, but I’m as good once, as I ever was”. That’s me. But I’m referring to partying. Toby might have been referring to sex, I’m not totally sure. In my defense, that song was before he got weird and started burning Dixie Chick’s CD’s in protest. But I digress…
This time I am off to Miami, for a weekend filled with great potential. Why potential and not guaranteed craziness? Well, out of our group of 13, I know 4 people, so I am not entirely sure what to expect. Might we take a hard left into rachetville a la Will Smith (bienvenidos a Miami)? One can only hope. However, if this becomes more of a Gloria Estefan “turn the beat around” kind of affair, you were warned. The only thing I can assure you of is numerous references to that damn Will Smith song. Because I just fucking love it. And I’ve never been to Miami, so I’m secretly hoping it is exactly like his music video.
Since it’s virtually impossible for me to write a blog without a list, let’s put all the factors of this weekend into a score card and see if we end up with a weekend of Vices or Nices:
1.Host: Andrew Boston. Not only is my little brother going, he planned the entire bachelorette. His cousin, Ashley, is the bride. (She is my step cousin for those of you who are not familiar with the family tree and confused right now). The one parent that we do share, however, is the one we inherited our penchant for alcohol from. So wherever the Bostons go, fun is bound to follow. Although bouncers and police officers might follow as well. As followers of my blog, I’m sure I can count on you all for bail money, right? Point: Vice
2. Bride: Ashley definitely has the ability to turn up, probably more so than any of the other brides I’ve bacheloretted with this year. But you know, once these chicks get the ring, they tend to tap into their inner wifey immediately. Basically, they become boring. One Boring Ring to Rule them All. Yes, that was my best attempt at a Lord of the Rings reference. I can’t explain this phenomenon, I can only tell you that I’ve seen it happen. The good news is that they will often come out of retirement everyone so often and show us the ghost of fun times’s past. My money is on Ashley bringing out the big guns this weekend. If she’s not yelling “whoooo! Shots!” by 10pm tonight, I will have failed. Point: Vice
3. Events: Leave it to Andrew to plan about 70% of the events this weekend with an open bar. I am literally looking at an itinerary where half the items include all-you-can-drink. It’s scheduled by the hour, which makes me feel like I’m going to a boozy summer camp. And I fucking loved summer camp. This is going to be a marathon. But like when Kenyans run a marathon and actually sprint the whole time. Or maybe even one of those ultra marathons where your organs shut down and you shit yourself uncontrollably. God I hope I can avoid that this weekend. Point: Vice.
4. Location: “Party in the city where the heat is on. All night on the beach til the break of dawn.” I’m not really sure what I can say here that Will Smith hasn’t already said far more eloquently – and in rhymed prose. Point: Vice.
5. Bachelorettes: Other than the basic who backed out the day before the bachelorette party (literally), I have high hopes. And really, I can’t even be mad about people bitching out last minute. That is natural selection at work. I guarantee you that girl wasn’t going to be any fun. Because fun people prioritize party weekends appropriately. It also bodes well that I am the oldest bitch on this trip…by a few years. So we can assume that my maturity level will be on part with the rest of the group. Let’s be honest here, I talk a big game, but I’ll be spending night #3 puking in the bathroom again regardless of what the other ladies bring to the table. Point: Vice
Well look at that. I guess what we have here is a slam dunk shit show. I don’t know why I ever doubted it. In other random news; I woke up this morning with a swollen eye. So if it doesn’t go down I might have to change my theme song to “Monster Mash”. Or Beyonce’s “I woke up like this”. At least I have options.