Open Ocean and Open Bars in Maui

Saturday, February 13, 2015

Today we had access to an open bar for a grand total of about 7 hours. Turns out, no one needs an open bar for 7 hours. Ever. We started the day by doing something really stupid. Shocker. We walked down to the meeting point for our snorkel tour, but we somehow missed the tour representative on the beach checking people in. So we waited around a while and figured they were just on “Hawaii time”. No big deal. We went to the nearby coffee shop to get Mar a coffee and when we came back five minutes later, our boat was sailing away. That’s right, we missed it. Enter: Captain Kevin. Or as we like to think of him, Captain Save-a-hoe. A man on a dinghy with the Company’s logo pulled up to the beach, so we ran over and gave him our best damsels in distress act. While he was not happy about it, he quickly motioned us into his dinghy and drove us out to meet our big boat mid-ocean. It was basically the most embarrassing moment of my life. Marissa thought we looked like VIP’s. But I knew we just looked like hungover ass holes. The Captain of the big boat was a woman named Arika (As in the pirate version of Erica). Arika had a nasty case of resting bitch face. Made even bitchier by the fact that we interrupted her safety briefing with our late arrival. Turns out the rest of the crew thought she was a bitch too, and they even called her “THAT”. So THAT is what we referred to her as for the duration of the trip while we avoided her at all costs.

Now here is the way the snorkel tour bar system works: You can only start drinking once you have finished snorkeling, because apparently drinking and swimming is dangerous. I prefer the snorkel tours of Mexico where they send a floating tray of drinks out to you in the water, but we are playing by Maui’s rules here. We jumped in and found a turtle within about 5 minutes. After that, there is only so much coral a gal can look at before that open bar starts calling her name. In our defense, we made it longer in the water than a few other people. We hopped back on the boat and headed to the bar where Eli (who’s name was actually Mark, but we are ass holes and called him Eli all day) made us a concoction of vodka, champagne, and a splash of juice. This guy is basically my bartender spirit animal. How else could he have known that vodka and champagne are my two favorite things in the world?

Snorkel Selfie

Our catamaran

Mar and I took our seats up on the top of the catamaran and settled in for some drunk tanning. When it was time for our first refills (i.e. five minutes later) I couldn’t help but notice that there was a window right next to me that looked down on to the bar. Being the lazy drunk that I am, I popped my head down so that I was hanging upside down from the ceiling of the bar and requested that Eli (who is actually Mark) refill our drinks via our custom drive-through bar window. I’m not sure if it was shock and awe or disgust on his face, but bless his heart, he obliged. There was a guy down at the bar who witnessed this all take place. He took one look at me hanging upside down like an alcoholic nautical bat and said “I’m coming up to hang out with you girls”. And this is how we met our Maui partners in crime, Adam and Britani. Adam brought his girlfriend Britani up to sit with us. She gave us some side eye while she sized us up, but we quickly all fell into step as we regaled each other with stories of our awesomeness. How awesome are Adam and Britani, you ask? Well let me attempt to demonstrate. Last year on Valentines Day they took a romantic walk on the Santa Monica beach where they fed pigeons a mixture of pringles crunched up with ex-lax, and then laughed as the birds shit all over people. This Valentines Day they got drunk with Mar and I and went to a party on nude beach. I think we can all agree that these two are a bloggers dream. Let’s call them “A&B” for short, because they are going to make many more appearances in the upcoming blog entries and I don’t want to keep writing their names out.

The view from my cieling drive through bar window

The Snorkel Crew

We drank our asses off. There were some other cool people on the boat (although not quite as cool as the four of us). There was a couple from Georgia who are apparently swingers. They were there with the husband’s family. The girl introduced us to her “mother”, at which point the woman corrected her by saying “mother-in-law”. Burn. The teddy bears of the world made an appearance. Gotta love those Canadians. They are just so damn unoffensive and lovable. AAAAAArika made me turn my music off. Buzz kill. Eli broke it to us that his name was Mark. We felt like dicks. Nothing new there. At one point Mar and I were telling A&B that we are actually only two-thirds of the trio known as “DFR”. When I asked him to guess what DFR stood for, he thought long and hard before he said “dicks for reference”. When I inquired as to the meaning, he basically said it means that you are encyclopedia of male genitals. I obviously found this to the funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I’ve asked a lot of people what “DFR” stands for and this was by far the most thoughtful and inventive response.

When we got back to shore we decided it would be a great idea to go to bar. Because that is exactly what we needed after four hours of unlimited booze. So Mar, A&B and I headed to a restaurant on the beach where a bright eyed blonde boy tried to take our drink order. He was quickly overwhelmed by our blatant lack of sobriety and told his manager on us. Literally, tattled on us like a little rat. The manager came over and informed us that he would let us order one drink, but after that he would not be able to serve us. That’s right, cutoff on round #1. It was probably for the best – when you can’t coherently form an argument your only option is to accept defeat at the hands of the sober people. Britani actually got the entire thing on video, but I’m too cheap to pay wordpress so I can’t upload it. Check it out on my insta. Teaser: the tattle-tale waiter makes a shirtless appearance in tomorrow’s blog. Maui is a small world.

We parted ways, as Mar and I had to get ready for our Luau and no one who values their liquor license would serve us a drink anyway. We made plans to meet up later that night while we were drunk enough to think we were capable of making it out. Mar and I went back to the hotel room where I promptly died and then resurrected myself with a hybrid bath/shower that consists of drunkenly laying in the tub while the shower is running because you are too intoxicated to stand. It’s a little move I developed in college. There would have been some serious personal hygiene concerns without it. I even had to lay down in the back of the uber on the way to the luau. It was not my best moment. But I rallied. I rallied hard. I’ve included before and after pictures for your reference below. We clean up pretty well for a couple of thirty year olds who drink like twenty year olds.

BEFORE

AFTER

After another drink

Did I mention the luau was open bar as well? And when I say open bar, I mean wide open. Those sexy luau men in their skirts made it their goal to keep everyone drowning in booze. Every time I blinked there was a tan, shirtless man asking me if I wanted another drink. Why yes, yes I do. The luau was pretty awesome, despite the fact that our table consisted of us and a Chinese tour group. We tried communicating for a bit, but then I just gave up and offered to take pictures of them. Nothing endears you to a group of Chinese tourists like taking their picture. One of the hot shirtless waiters came by and gave us his phone number on a piece of paper and told us to call him later. Another one dropped a bunch of plates while trying to hit on us. Being the only single game in town is really working out well for us. All you people that said Maui is no fun for single people can bite your tongue. When Rory and Marissa are together, every place is fun for single people. We could find a party at an AA convention. Despite the invitations from the young luau men, Mar and I were down for the count. The plan was to stop in town and pick up Mar’s credit card from last night (yes, we left it at the bar, don’t act surprised) and then head home to sleep. We called an uber, and who came to get us? It was none other than our Knight in a Shining Tacoma, Christopher! Apparently Maui has like 4 uber drivers, so you get to know them.

Now, I know I told you yesterday that today’s blog was ridiculous. But that was before I lived through Sunday. And Sunday is a doozie, my friends. Spoiler alert: the King of Lahaina makes a second showing and a party at a nude beach with our new friends makes for a very interesting Valentines Day.