The Road to Hana and Lots of Vodka

Thursday, March 11, 2016

My morning at work crawled at a snails pace. Obviously because I was leaving at 3pm to catch my flight to Hawaii. My driver (aka Dad) took me to the airport, where I settled in to the admirals club lounge in the American terminal for all the free vodka I could drink. Props to my brother Drew for getting me his credit card in my name for the sole purpose of allowing me to access free booze when traveling. We Bostons are always looking out for each other. I made friends with an old white guy in the admirals club – shocking, I know. Their younger counterparts want nothing to do with me, but the old guys just can’t get enough of Rory. I may be single now, but I’ll be crushing it in the nursing home in about 40 years. Around the time my flight was supposed to board I headed down to the gate at a leisurely pace, at which point I heard my name being called over the loudspeaker to board immediately. I had to sprint my drunk little ass down to the gate where I was told they “boarded early”. Have you ever heard of such a thing in all your life? If I had been waiting at the terminal sober and pathetic, like I usually am, I’m sure the flight would have been delayed. Because life’s a bitch like that.

So I boarded my flight with no dinner. And y’all know Rory does not skip a meal. So it was a shockingly detestable turkey sandwich and a few red wines for me that night. The free portion of the in-flight entertainment left much to be desired. I actually started watching an episode of “Blackish” at one point. I’m still trying to un-see that shit.

My plane arrived in Maui early, about 5 minutes before Marissa’s, so I met her at the gate sans lei. We exchanged all kinds of endearing pleasantries like “hi pumpkin muffin bunny lover pie!!” If there was an Olympics for “Making People Confused and Uncomfortable” we would have more gold than a certain pot smoking swimmer. We high tailed it down to Avis where we picked up our rental car. Mar asked the woman for a list of color options. No white available so we opted for red. The only thing I hate more than driving, is driving with the windows rolled down. Because (1) long hair, (2) it’s loud, and (3) my head is really small so I feel like I look like an alien when it’s in a pony tail. But, hey, when in Rome.

After a quick stop at Tutti Frutti, where we elected to name our car “Tutti” for the rest of the weekend, we got to the hotel just before 11pm, which is 1am LA time. On a typical Thursday night I’m in bed by 10, so we knocked out pretty quickly. We have an early wake-up call tomorrow for the Road to Hana!!

Friday, March 12, 2016

Today we were up around 6:15 so we could get on the road by 7am. The Road to Hana is about a four hour drive each way from where we are staying in Kaanapali. I wanted to be in the car by 6am, but apparently that is insane to anyone who wasn’t raised by Linda Boston. So I compromised. Laid back travel Rory strikes again! I was ready to go in about 10 minutes, so I headed down to the Starbucks on the beach (only in Maui) to get Mar some coffee in an effort to keep us on schedule. I had elected to drive the first portion as I am generally at my best in the mornings. I typically pop out of bed like a jack-in-box. No caffeine needed. We got the car from valet where the nice Hawaai guys gave us a “Road to Hana” CD, a map, and a tutorial on how to put the top down. Hawaiians are very genuine and helpful. They might even be better than Canadians. And those lovable little Canucks are hard to beat in the nice department. I was slightly suspicious of this congenial behavior at first. I’m from LA, so when a boy is nice to me it’s usually followed up with an unwanted dick pic and a proposition. I’m liking the change of pace.

Road to Hana 1
Looking so fly

So we are officially off to Hana. First stop, Paia. Paia is a little hippy town on the North Shore of Maui. It basically marks the start of the official “Road to Hana”. It look like someone took an old Western town from 1892, moved it to the beach, and replaced all the guns with surf boards. We stopped and got Mar more coffee and some food. Thank god I don’t drink coffee. I find it to be such a damn waste of time. Think about all the time you spend going to buy coffee, actually buying the coffee and waiting for it, and then sitting there and drinking it. The rampant inefficiency and waste of time that rules the coffee drinking irritates the shit out of me. Beverages and breakfast in hand, we left Paia and headed to Hana. Now, for those of you that aren’t familiar with the Road to Hana, it’s in a very scenic and super windy road that takes you to the town of Hana on the other side of Maui, where everything is quiet and time moves a little slower. When I say winding, I mean vomit-inducing, DUI test-walking WINDING as fuck. It’s like the yellow brick road on acid, with a beach view. Luckily, Mar is no stranger to my offensive and jerky version of driving and she actually quite enjoyed it. Finally, someone who doesn’t bitch about my driving non-stop! Because everyone does. My own mother wouldn’t even drive with me. I shit you not. But Marissa was practically a fan girl of my driving style. Shocking.

We stopped at a lookout and took some selfies. That’s right, the selfie stick was the first item on my packing list. God damn I love that thing. We then decided to drive all the way out to the last stop and work our way back, in the hopes that all the other tourists would stop at the various points of interest on the way back. Since the general population of people can’t think outside the box, I figured this was a good plan. So we headed for Ohe’o Gulch with the Seven Scared Pools, and the hike through the Bamboo forest to the Waimoko waterfall. The hike was rated as “moderate”. In New Zealand, “moderate” translates into “life threatening”, but here in Hawaii it was pretty much on point. There were some other tourists, but it wasn’t too crowded. We had to pass a few groups of people along the way. I would give Marissa an impatient glance and she would yell “Passing on your left!”, at which point we would make our move. For some reason people gave us dirty looks for this. One woman even said “Jeez, is this a race?”. Well honey, if it was a race, you would be losing. We finally found a lone ginger hiker carrying a tripod. If you see a rugged man with a big camera on a hike, YOU FOLLOW HIM. He set a sprite pace and we were at the base of the waterfall in no time. We snapped some selfies and headed back.

By the end of the 4 mile, moderate hike, we were starving. So we turned around and headed to Bruddah Hut’s BBQ. I had found it on yelp and the pictures were amazing. I was ready to get aggressive with some BBQ. It did not disappoint. I meant to take a picture of the food for you guys, but my inner dinosaur inhaled it before the GoPro could power on. Sorry. We then headed to Wai’anapanapa State Park. This place was awesome. It is the home of the famous black sand beach, complete with lava tubes and blow holes. You all know how much Rory loves some black sand for the old sand collection. They actually had a sign that said “Warning. Blow Hole. Keep Away”. It took some serious self control not to steal it, because I know quite a few boys whose yards I’d like to stick that sign in. And finally, we were on our way back home to Kaanapali. I would like to take this opportunity to give you all some tips on driving the road to Hana:
1. Go slow. Like, painfully slow. Driving Miss Daisy slow. If someone is on your ass, just let them pass. And try to resist the urge to give them the finger…it is not common place in Hawaii like it is in LA.
2. Find a shield. You need a car in front of you, so that they block you from the oncoming traffic coming around the switch backs. Get behind someone going at a decent pace and stay there. But don’t get too close, or you will scare them away and they will pull over to let you pass. It’s basically like dating, if you move too fast too soon, you’ll scare them away. If you go too slow, they will pass you up for something faster.
3. Make imaginary friends with random cars. This one is weird, I know. But Marissa and I felt awkwardly connected to the random cars that we would spend half an hour driving behind, or in front of. At one point, we had two other red cars ahead of us, leading the way, shielding us from the danger of oncoming traffic. We called ourselves “the bloods”. When one of the cars would turn off, we would get really sad about it. We were basically the co-dependent, needy cars of the Road to Hana.

Ok, so where is the vokda portion of this story? Calm down. You know I wouldn’t tease you like that. We stopped at the liquor store on the way home, and then popped a bottle of champagne while we showered and changed. You all know how I love a good champagne shower (literally…drinking champs while showering). We called an uber, and our knight in a shining Tacoma, Christopher, picked us up. More on Chris tomorrow. He took us down to Lahaina and gave us a run down of where the action is. He said town was “going off” tonight. My dear, sweet Chris…we obviously have different ideas of “going off”. So Mar and I settled on a little bar/appetizer crawl. Our first waiter, Jiya, invited us to karaoke later, but we declined since he was a 42 year old career waiter that I’m pretty sure was on drugs. Our next waiter read us pretty well and told us about the bar that “girls in pretty dresses” go to, so we headed to “Down the Hatch” where we settled in with drinks and pulled pork quesadillas. Yum. We quickly became popular. I think it was because we accepted shots from anyone and everyone. The boys came, brought shots, flirted for a bit, and then kept it moving. It worked quite well. We met some girls from California who were also on a friendmoon. I actually recognized them from the BBQ truck in Hana earlier in the day, so I called them over to hang out with us. They called it a night and left us. And then, we met him. The self-proclaimed “King Henry of Lahaina”. Yes, he actually called himself that. After many drinks and lots of shot, and one attempt by the King of Lahaina to make out with me (ok I let him have a peck. I’m on vacation…), we parted ways and agreed to meet up with him Sunday. He offered to drive us to the famous Sunday beach party at Little Beach. We said sure, fully knowing that we couldn’t possibly take him up on that.  Could we….?

Tomorrow is kind of wild. We basically have an open bar for about 7 hours throughout the course of the day. It’s the kind of blog you guys wait an entire trip for.


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