New Places, New Faces, Same Ugly Pants

Friday, December 18, 2015

Today we woke up to pouring rain in Rosarito. I mean Chaweng. But we had a 10am flight to Chiang Mai, so later losers! More free airport popcorn, courtesy of our favorite “boutique airline”, Bangkok Airways. Nothing says “class act” like a courtesy popcorn machine. Jorgie found a cookbook she liked in the airport called “Cooking with Poo”. Yum! And with that, we bid adieu to the Gulf Islands.

Our flight only had 26 passengers. I know this because I counted them on my way to the bathroom (and yes, I counted the guy in the other bathroom). Because I’m a freak who cannot fully enjoy an empty plane until I know exactly how empty it is. Once in Chiang Mai, we hopped in a taxi with a lovely Thai woman and just like that, we were at our hotel. We headed down the street and had some awesome noodle soup for lunch. It was too damn hot for soup in the south, so I had a craving. Yes, it is still possible to crave things even when you consume as much food as I do. Smart asses. A few hours after our plane touched down we were picked up for our pre-booked spa day at the fancy schmancy spa. A $9 massage on the beach is great and all, but sometimes a gal needs 3 hours of pampering in plush surroundings. I know, my life is so rough. Jorgie and I had a shared room…so we basically did a three hour couples massage. #whatelseisnew? But don’t worry, I wasn’t completely selfish – I got a picture of the sexy massage outfits I was telling you about the other day. Apparently we have been putting them on backwards the entire trip. But we still look like escapees from the women’s correctional facility regardless of how we wear them.

Now, the part you’ve all been waiting for. The blog’s biggest fan has arrived!! We met Kim and Brandon at the hotel after our massages. Reunion in Thailand! Let’s take a pause and meet the happy couple:

Kim and B
These Knuckleheads…

Likes: Awkward storytelling, Kathi Griffin (weird, I know), regular bowel movements, being a fucking hippy, eating hippy vegan food, doing hippy yoga shit, saying “thank you” about twelve thousand times a day.
Dislikes: Negotiating, getting roofied (there was a possible double roofie incident may years ago….either that or we just got waaaaaaaaaaaay too drunk. Both scenarios are equally possible).
How we met: Over a few bowls of mint chip ice cream at the tender age of five years old. Because that is how I made friends as a kid. I bribed them with ice cream.
Favorite travel memory: She felt the need to make her “favorite travel memory” getting engaged on the beach in Bali so that you would all go, “awwwwww”. But I think we can all agree this is not that kind of blog. So I asked for another one. Something about picking up sand dollars on the beach somewhere. I gave up after that, since apparently she is incapable of giving me a travel memory that doesn’t make me roll my eyes in cynical disgust.
Note: If she comes home having sponsored about 14 Thai families because she thinks they are “just too cute”, let the record show I attempted to stop her.

Likes: Apparently he really likes that hippy Kim, because he married her, speaking in fake German accents at random intervals throughout his life for weeks at a time, surfing (he likes this one a lot, like, maybe more than he likes that first one), being the proud benefactor behind Kim’s new $3 Thai parachute pants (that’s code for ugly hippy pants).
Dislikes: Much like myself, he has a instinctive hatred for stupid people. So between the two of us, Yacht Week should be interesting. Come to think of it, there isn’t much this hippy couple doesn’t like. Hard to fathom, I know.
How we met: Through Kimmy. But I would later take the rap for his many cigarette butts outside my apartment when Kim and I lived together and our landlord took a shining to counting cigarette butts and then berating his tenants about them. So basically, I’ve taken a bullet for this guy.
Favorite travel memory: Seeing his first ladyboy yesterday. It was a mixture of excitement, intense curiosity and disappointment that they didn’t look more like ladies and less like boys. He is currently rethinking his plans for a ladyboy show. Shall we talk him back into it for the sake of the blog?

Ok, back to the story. Kim and Brandon were found, shockingly, at the hotel bar, where they had made friends with a interesting Asian woman who made me wonder if Brandon had already stumbled upon his first ladyboy within an hour of touching down. But alas, we met her child so I’m pretty sure there are lady parts down there. This woman is hard to describe. She’s kind of a cross between Margret Cho (looks) and Kanye West (personality). When we ordered a few beers she asked if we could buy her one too. I think that’s all I really have to say, but just to make myself clear, she is a fucking weirdo.

After a few beers at the hotel, Kim was fading fast from her 24 hours of travel (read: Xanax), so she hit the hay. But Brandon was the fucking energizer bunny. So Steph, Katie, Brandon and I headed down to the night market to see what all the fuss was about. We quickly stumbled upon a Thai food truck/beer garden oasis. It was like my inner white trash alter ego and my current Thai life had finally come together in perfect harmony. As if things couldn’t get better than three bar stalls and a mixed drink cart, I found a Japanese guy with a potsticker cart. And these potstickers kicked Costco Ling Ling’s ass. If this bitch makes it to heaven, this is what I want to see when I get there. Actually, as long as requests are being taken, I want heaven to be this place in the middle of Whitehaven beach in Australia. We drank beers and dined on food stall delicacies while listening to live music. The band’s lead singer sounded like Adele and one of the chicks from the nail salon had a musically inclined child. Rory was happy.

After more potstickers than I care to admit and quite a few beers, we hailed a tuk tuk driver and got a ride. My general rule of thumb when choosing between the plentiful men and their tuk tuks is to choose the the cutest oldest guy I can find. Then a simple tuk tuk ride becomes a motorbike driven carriage by my fairy Thai godfather. As usual, I have visual aids of my toothless Prince Charming and I below. No one can say that guy isn’t fucking adorable. Oh, and did I mention I sat on the little seat in front with him because we had four people? It was essentially like riding in a sidecar. So life can only go downhill from here.

Tuk Tuk
My tuk tuk boo!

We dropped Steph and Katie off at the hotel and Brandon and I headed to “Yellow Bar”. We just asked the young Thai guys where to go and they all started shouting “Yellow Bar!!”. Good enough for me! What awaited us was beyond my wildest dreams. This wasn’t a bar. It was more like a giant Thai block party with bars everywhere. Is it possible that I have hit the jackpot twice in one night, or is Chiang Mai really just this awesome? It’s just that awesome. Brandon and I got some drinks and walked around doing some people watching. And by “people” I mean “old white dudes with Thai prostitutes”. It was either that or watch the frat boys try to spit game girls in those ugly short shorts that look like labia. At one point I thought a fight was going to break out amongst the hooker ranks over a guy that looked like a retired postal worker from West Virginia. Talk about living the dream. You do you, homie.

I negotiated a tuk tuk home once we were ready to leave. But not before getting some shwarma for the ride home. I’ve put down quite a few drunk gyros in my day all over the world and I can honestly say this one was exceptionally mediocre. Better stick with drunk pad thai from here on out.

Tuk Tuk2
Shwarma on the tuk tuk

Tune in tomorrow when we learn how to cook (sans poo) and then Kim buys out the night market!


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