Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Today we had a very lazy day nursing our hangovers. Er….wait. Ok, so we just had a lazy day because we are lazy. We slept in…until like 7am. Because when you go to bed at 10pm you can’t really sleep much later than that. After breakfast, we posted up on some lounge chairs on the beach. I found myself swimming about every 10 minutes because it was so damn hot and humid. Unbelievably hot. I actually began hoping for a little rain to cool things off. And I never hope for rain. Not even in drought-ridden California. Because I am selfish.
I also woke up today with a swollen ankle, yet no disastrous drunken story to explain it. Very odd. In addition, I have giant cuts all over the bottom of my feet from yesterday’s boat ride. I’m basically a hot mess from the ankle’s down. Steph thinks we may have to amputate. That should make for a really unpleasant blog. But seriously…my feet are not exactly that of a dainty, pristine geisha. I’m the girl who is ALWAYS offered the “callous remover five dolla” at pedicures. So I’m not sure how I managed to turn the bottom of my feet into ripped tissue paper. I KNEW I should have brought some water shoes. Those keens may be ugly as shit but I love them. Hindsight is a bitch.
So I waddled around the beach on my tippy toes most of the day until it was time for our massages at the bougie spa in town. Apparently the 90 minute upgrade buys you a lot of butt action. And who the hell doesn’t love a good butt rub? Granted, it’s not quite as good as a belly rub after a big meal, but I’ll take it. Larry, Curly and Moe must have been occupied, because we had different ladies today. Not sure how we got demoted to the B-team, but they were not as good as yesterday’s massages. After our massages we walked around looking for a restaurant. One seemed pretty busy, so we incorrectly inferred that it must be good. We assumed wrong. We are really not doing well on the food front here on Koh Tao. I mean, quantity-wise we are killing it. But the quality has been somewhat of a disappointment. Although Koh Tao isn’t exactly know as a culinary mecca in Thailand. It’s know as the diving mecca. But I can’t dive because one of my many ailments in my old age are ears that won’t allow it. Add it to the list of things that are falling apart. I’ve seen 30 year old cars run more smoothly than I do.
Apparently the bar crawl in Koh Tao starts at 6pm…the girls were obviously very upset we missed out on it. But we saw them leaving their first bar while we were at dinner. It was an army of plastered white gap-year kids who looked like they hadn’t seen a shower in about a week. And I’m sure they each had a grand total of two beers before they started groping eachother. Reminds me of the good old days. Why the fuck didn’t I come to Thailand went I was young and skinny and cute? Ok fine…when I was young and cute. At 19, I was basically the poster child for binge drinking and questionable decision making. I would have been the queen of these ass holes. They would have bowed down to me and my trusty beer bong on my throne made of buckets of booze. I would have whoo-girled the shit out of Koh Tao if I wasn’t old enough to have birthed half the kids on that bar crawl. But I digress. After a mediocre meal, we got totally shit faced and did free body shots at one of the beach bars. Just kidding. We went to bed. But I will get shit faced and dance on a bar before this trip is over, so help me god. Ok, I’ll probably do body shots too. I am going to yacht week, after all.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Today we left Koh Tao and headed back to Koh Samui on the ferry. The morning was generally uneventful. We checked out of our Swiss Family Robinson villa and headed to the pier. Our fellow passengers were your typical tourists – no idea what a fucking line is or how one works, complete disregard for other people’s personal space, and a general lack of self awareness of any kind. Nothing new there. Once we reached Koh Samui, we bartered our way into a shared taxi to our hotel with an Asian couple. The girlfriend in the couple was one of those painfully meek chicks who looks like she is going to cry if the wind blows in her general direction. She was very concerned she was being sold into Thai servitude, because she kept asking her boyfriend if they were taking them to the right place. Get a clue girlfriend, if anyone is getting kidnapped it’s definitely not going to be you and your useless boyfriend. It’ll be Jorgie, for her blonde hair and congenial nature that would make a great third wife. Steph and I will be taken and then promptly dumped (or shot) once they decide we are far too much trouble than we are worth. But since all three of us aren’t exactly at the prime age for sex slavery, I’m gonna go ahead and say we are safe. And thank god, because my dad isn’t exactly Liam Neeson. We’d have better luck being rescued by Captain Jack Sparrow.
We were staying in Chaweng for the night before our flight to Chiang Mai tomorrow. Chaweng is the main town on Koh Samui. It is kind of a shit hole. It looks like Tijuana and Bangkok had an ugly baby. But for some odd reason people love it and don’t seem to know it’s ugly…it’s like that facebook friend with the ugly baby who they post pictures of non-stop because they don’t know their baby is ugly. We all have at least one. This all got me thinking about the similarities between Mexico and Thailand. Bear with me here, as I don’t really know where this one is going either
1. They both have great beaches, good food and lots of sunshine – the obvious ones. But let’s dig a little deeper.
2. Both provide lots of opportunities to see naked chicks: There is the infamous donkey show in Mexico (if you don’t know, don’t ask), and I’ve heard a rumor about a show in Thailand involving women and turtles in very creative ways (again…questions are probably not a good idea here). If the rumors are true, Thailand takes te cake on this one. I don’t think fucking a donkey takes great skill.
3. Both have great beer – Chang vs Dos Equis. I’d probably have stick with the most interesting man in the world and give that one to Dos Equis.
4. Everything is negotiable in both Mexico and Thailand. And the negotiating is half the fun.
5. Both Thai’s and Mexicans fucking love trucks. If you are thinking that sounded racist, it’s because you thought I said “love riding in the back of trucks”. Who’s racist now? But in all honesty, they do.
6. Both utilize buckets at bars. Beers in a bucket in Mexico. Hard alcohol in a bucket in Thailand. This one obviously goes to Thailand.
7. Both countries make me want to tip everyone in sight. I’m still not sure if anyone else is tipping in Thailand, but I really don’t care. I’m making it rain over here. I’m American and I like to tip. And I don’t care what anyone thinks about it. This battle probably goes to Mexico though, because in Mexico there is nothing they love more than one dollar bills. You can roll in with a fat stack of ones and people treat you like fucking P. Diddy up in da club. And let’s face it, my ultimate goal in life is to be P. Diddy.
Once we checked in at our hotel, I spent about an hour fighting with wordpress to upload pictures for your entertainment. You’re welcome. We then headed down to the “beach”. I use quotes here because the beach basically consisted of some chairs placed directly in the water because there was about 5 feet of dry sand, max. I was not impressed. I realize I hail from the sprawling sandy beaches of Southern California and so I’m a bit spoiled, but if you are going to call it a beach I need to at least be able to lay a towel down. Strike two, Chaweng. We nevertheless settled in for about 10 minutes of blissful sunshine before the clouds started to roll in. We were wondering when our weather luck was going to run out. With December being the tail end of monsoon season for the Gulf Islands, I had expected some patches of rain at the very least. We somehow managed to get a whole week of nothing but sun. You wanna bring the rain the day before we leave for our next destination? Be my guest, mother nature. I will consider our good weather fortune thus far her attempt at payback for that bullshit weather in the Dominican Republic five years ago. Consider your debt repaid.
We headed to a beach bar called “Ark Bar” for lunch and some beers. It’s basically the main game in town. It reminded me of one of those beach clubs in Rosarito, MX…minus the mechanical bull and foam dance party. And let’s be honest, those are the two best parts of a beach club in Rosarito. Ah, memories. Where was I? Oh yes, after lunch we showered and decided to do a little shopping while we were in the main town. Sadly, we weren’t really in the market for elephant figurines or shitty t-shirts with beer logos on them, so our attempt at shopping ended about as abruptly as it began. Do people really spend money on this shit while on vacation? I’ve seen better shopping at the 99 cent store back at home. Not really in the massage mood, the only thing left to do was have some drinks. So Jorgie and I got a bucket, and Steph got a Pina Colada in a coconut, and we tried to kill a little time before it was dark and therefore appropriate to eat yet another meal.
Tonight we were braving Mexican food in Thailand. I was slightly cautious. My rationale being that Thai food in Mexico sounds like the worst idea ever. We decided to order some chips and dips to test the waters and were pleasantly surprised. I followed that up with fajitas that were way too salty but altogether unoffensive. I mean, we can’t all make fajitas as good as Chilis, can we? Yeah, I said it. I fucking love Chilis. After dinner we basically couldn’t take anymore of this godforsaken town, so we went to bed. I watched a Will Smith movie and was way too entertained than I care to admit. So there’s that.
Tomorrow we fly to Chiang Mai and you get to meet the blog’s #1 fan, Kimmy! I don’t want to get all your hopes up, but she is living proof that the fan can become a full fledged blog participant. Dreams really do come true in Thailand.