Another December is upon us, which can only mean one thing for me: travel time! I’m making my way to Thailand for the next month! I’m sure you’re wondering what fabulous job I have that allows me to frolic around the globe for a month at a time. It’s called unpaid vacation, people. If that’s not dedication to the travel game, I don’t know what is. Luckily Thailand is well known for being relatively cheap. So I’m thinking my typical Friday night bar tab at North End will last me at least a week over there. Ok that’s a lie – we all know I go to North End on random Wednesday nights. And go to bed at 9pm on Fridays.
The next question I usually get (from people who obviously don’t know me) is “you won’t be home for Christmas?” I’ve never understood the need for grown ass adults to be home around the holidays. Yes, I realize this is, in large part, because I am a Jew. But I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that I’m pretty sure Jesus would rather spend his birthday in Thailand too. So, for all you basic people out there who forgo my favorite travel month in favor of fickle things like family, friends, and holiday cheer, I’ve put together a little list of why would you should spend December seeing the world. I’ll call it “Rory’s twelve reasons why you should spend the twelve days of Christmas abroad”.
1. TRAFFIC. Holy shit December traffic sucks. The other day, it took me half an hour to drive 6 miles to work. That’s a five minute mile pace. Half of Kenya can run faster than I can drive in LA.
2. For the love of god, you are a grown up. If you want something, buy it for yourself. Haven’t your parents done enough? When I was in college, my 25 year old boyfriend’s mother emailed me his Christmas list – just in case I needed some ideas. I was appalled. How can you, as an adult, make a Christmas list for your parents and still maintain self respect? But in the spirit of full disclosure, I did use it…
3. Let’s be honest, family can be a real pain in the ass. And you just saw them at Thanksgiving! What ever happened to absence makes the heart grow fonder?
4. If you are single, you will spend every holiday family get together explaining why you are so unloveable. Because being single is a disease and you must explain how you were infected. I myself contracted it after first coming down with a serious case of “standards”, which then left me with a severe allergic reaction to douche bags, which runs rampant in LA. I actually think I was patient zero.
5. The weather at home blows. And it gets dark at 5pm. What is that about? I feel like a fucking vampire.
6. There are SO MANY awesome destinations that are prime in December. Basically, the entire fucking southern hemisphere. Literally half of the world is at it’s best, and you are bundled up at home hanging shit on a dying tree. 7. You spend so much fucking money when you are home for the Holidays. Mostly buying presents that will probably sit in someone’s closet until spring cleaning. So let me take this opportunity to thank you all for accepting the fact that you aren’t getting a present from me, because I spent the money on a trip to Thailand.
8. Most people take time off around the holidays to spend with family. Which means, no one can give you shit about not being at work for a few weeks. Some companies even shut down, leaving you free to use your vacation days the rest of the year! We all know December is a throwaway month work-wise anyway. Don’t act like you are the one person that is productive on December 22nd. Ass hole.
9. Other countries have movie theaters too. I mean, that is what you’ll be doing Christmas day, isn’t it? Have fun watching Star Wars, losers. I’ll be on a floating raft house on a lake in the jungle. Check mate.
10. But Rory, I love the snow! I have no argument for this. Because you just can’t argue with stupid. We will have to agree to disagree on this one.
11. New Years Eve is ALWAYS better when you are in another country. For example – last NYE when my travel soul mate, Stina, and I picked up the hottest guys EVER in Queenstown. Or that crazy NYE in Costa Rica with DFR…which I would go into details about if I had zero self respect. Now, let’s flash back to a few of NYE nights at home…there was the time I punched some crazy Mexican chick in the face and then lost my phone while trying to make a swift getaway….not to be outdone by the time I went to bed at 9pm….and the time I went to bed at 10pm.
12. Now this one is probably the most important, so focus. You will have the best tan in town when you get home. So not only have you forgone the holiday weight gain, you actually dieted! Did I mention that I consider tanning a form of dieting?
Now, if you have young children, I’m going to give you a pass on traveling. Because (1) kids actually are entitled to presents christmas morning (unlike you), (2) traveling with kids is fucking expensive and extremely inefficient, but mostly because (3) I don’t want your annoying kids anywhere near me while I’m on vacation.
Okay, back to the trip at hand. I know you are dying to know your cast of characters for this one. We’ve got some new ones and we’ve got some trip bitch veterans joining us for this adventure. First up at bat, Steph and Jorgie. You will all remember Jorgie from her James Bond-like driving abilities in France on the blog a few months ago. And you Steph fans may remember her from bitching out that Italian boat skank in Sardinia, also on the blog back in September. The three of us will spend the first week island hopping, at which point we will meet up with friends who are new to the blog. Spoiler alert: Thisbitchbetrippin’s NUMBER ONE FAN fan, Kim Ortloff, will have a starring role on this trip!
Our agenda will include: islands, beaches, jungles, temples, elephants, adventure activities, and much more. And as if it couldn’t get any better – YACHT WEEK. If you people thought I talked a lot of shit on random strangers before, just WAIT for Yacht Week. It’ll be a fucking smorgasboard of morons, slutty basic bitches and sluttier frat boys past their prime. And yes, I know I’m basically a sorority girl waaaaaay past her prime. Pot, meet kettle. Oh, and you all know the drill, if anyone asks, I’m 25 for the next 4 weeks. Let’s fucking do this.