The time has come to end another trip. They say that all good things must come to an end. The only reason I am taking this so well is because I already have my next trip booked, and its only ten weeks away. So I think I’ll live. Normally I wouldn’t have much to tell you about the flight home. But normally I don’t fly the bastard airline that is “Air Canada Rouge”. Sounds like a flying strip club, I know, but sadly it is not. At least if there were strippers I would have had some entertainment…and could have gotten rid of my last few euros. Let’s start at the beginning….
Flight #1 was a little 8 hour jaunt from Nice to Montreal. We figured 8 hours, that’s 3-4 movies, we’ll be there before we know it. Ummm, think again. NO TELEVISIONS. On an international, transatlantic flight. Kayak.com should have to disclose that you are buying the Amelia Earhart entertainment fare before you purchase, because that is some bullshit. It concerns me when my shitty Mazda has more upgrades than my airplane. But wait, good news, there is an Air Canada app for in-flight entertainment that they just mentioned once we reached cruising altitude. You just have to download it on your tablet. Great! I’ll just jump on the wifi and download that….oh wait, apparently they didn’t think that through. So basically, the only way you can watch movies is if you know to pre-download the app. The only way you would know that is if you have flown this airline before. The only way you would ever fly this airline a second time is with a gun to your head. So who the fuck is using this app? Ass holes.
Luckily I have a book and the last few episodes of Parenthood to get through. And here comes beverage service, so I’ll have a few glasses of wine and the world will be looking mighty fine from 35,000 feet once again. FALSE. No free booze!!!!!!! Have you ever heard of such a thing? True, I haven’t always utilized free plane booze in the most mature manner. But it is my god given right to get drunk while flying internationally. Everyone knows that. So Steph throws in the towel and orders a diet coke. The Rouge flight attendant pours her a cup. Steph asks to keep the can. She is denied. Literally, denied a half a can of soda. I’m afforded more luxuries in a fucking uber than I am on this plane. There was, however, one advantage to flying an airline who doesn’t have their shit together – their website isn’t sophisticated enough to charge you for the seats with extra legroom. Take that, Rouge!
Flight #2 was six hours from Montreal to LAX. This one actually wasn’t so bad – because we did not have a “Rouge” plane. And I had an exit row seat. But if it’s not one thing, it’s another. The group of people on this flight was quite possibly the most useless and pathetic group of humans ever assembled in the history of aviation. If boarding a plane was a sport, this group would have been in the Special Olympics. At one point I considered whether I was actually in slow motion and everyone else was moving at a normal pace. Then I remembered I didn’t get free booze on the last flight, so that couldn’t be it. When given the choice between which gate attendant to scan their boarding pass, it was like deer in headlights. This ain’t Sophie’s choice people, just pick a fucking line and keep it moving. I know you guys are Canadian and give zero fucks, but some of us have two weeks of fall season premieres on their DVR’s to get home to. Olivia Pope would have handled this shit.
So that’s it. The fat lady has not sung, but she did have taco bell for breakfast Sunday morning. Don’t judge me. You know it sounds awesome. Next up on the blog is Thailand in December – you are not gonna want to miss that one. And I might even spend an hour or two googling how to upload gopro videos for your entertainment this holiday season.
I’ll leave you all with a little test to see if you’ve been paying attention. Match the drink to the mean girl. It should be easy – one is sweet, one is fancy, and one comes on a little too strong.