Aussie Open – the Remix

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Today we awoke refreshed after a full nights sleep. The dirty Irish cunts in our hostel somehow didn’t keep us up last night. I don’t know what it is about these skanks, but they cannot physically walk without stomping like fucking godzilla. Every time they stumble down the hall. I don’t even know how they do it. I walked down the hall and tried to replicate the thunderous noise and physically could not do it. And don’t even get me started on how fucking loud these little whores are. They are not capable of talking. They have two volumes: mute and screaming shrew. And let’s face it, they are Irish, so it basically sounds like they are screaming in a foreign language because you can’t understand a word they say. Today we saw one of these chicks who looked beyond haggard walking around the hostel in a loose tank top with no bra and her tits flopping around everywhere. And I’m not talking about cute boobs. I’m talking about those nasty Orangutan boobs that hang awkwardly and swing around everywhere. They are really more like utters than boobs. Fucking gross. No one wants to shit that shit girlfriend. Take a shower and put a bra on. These whores makes me physically ill. The boys are pretty much unoffensive, per usual.

We showered and bounced out of their asap, per usual. We went to the “farmers market” in the park across the street. I use quotes because this pathetic little accumulation of tents made the Torrance farmer’s market look like the Orange County Fair. We then had our favorite breakfast in life: avo smash.

Avo smash happiness
Avo smash happiness
Yum. After that we drank a bottle of champs and headed out to the Aussie open. We don’t have real tickets, we just got ground passes which basically gets you into the beer garden. Based on how awesome it was on Thursday we are beyond excited. We should have known….

We show up around 11am, which is an hour after the gates open. Apparently we are a few hours too late already. The line for the beer garden is winding around the entire grounds, and we are told it’s two hours long. What.The.Fuck. What useless Aussie planned this shit? Oh it gets better. We settle into line with some beers, figuring we’ll just party in line and be shit faced by the time we get in. We are then told that we are not actually in line to get into the beer garden. We are in line to put our name and number on a list so they can text us when we can get in the second line to get into the beer garden.

Line? what line?  Note: weirdos in the background
Line? what line? Note: weirdos in the background
As I have not been born with the gift of patience, I am pretty pissed at this point. We basically accept that the beer garden is not going to happen, but we make some friends in line so we decide to stick it out just in case and keep drinking. After we put our names on this ridiculous list, we head to the other beer drinking area, which has basically turned into a second beer garden. It’s not a fun as Thursday, as there are way too many people and you have to wait in line for 30 minutes to get a beer, so you end up having to buy 4 beers at a time and hoard them. Oh, and there are tons of chicks. I guess I should just be grateful that they are not the

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Today was pretty mellow. It’s our last full day of vacation and, wouldn’t you know it, the weather is fucking horrid. It’s the first day that it is not hot. And not only is it not hot, it’s fucking freezing. Being the creatures of habit that we are, we head out to find some avo smash, as our last non-airport brekky cannot be anything else. The plan was to lay out at the beach, but since that is out we just headed to the bar.

Fun bar chairs
Fun bar chairs
Apparently Melbourne’s version of Sunday Funday consists of tons of huge groups of dudes sitting around drinking beer waiting for slutty chicks dressed up like they are going to ‘da club to show up. I’ll take flip flops and jorts in Hermosa over that bullshit any day, thank you very much.
How does one Sunday Funday with rules like this?
How does one Sunday Funday with rules like this?
Not sure if anyone gets super sloppy, as we had to head back in the afternoon to grab our stuff and head to the airport. After the bar we were so cold we went to the “sea baths”, which are public hot pools that look out onto the beach. Stina told the cutie at the front desk it was our last day of holiday and gave him a cute little frown so he let us in for free.

Our stag party boyfriends from the other day have their wedding tonight, so they are sending Stina and I pics to show us what we are missing out on.

The limo that we should be in...
The limo that we should be in…
I’m not gonna lie, we are slightly devastated that we are missing out on an Aussie wedding. But we are spending our last night in Sydney. Our current plan is to stay out all night and then go straight to the airport for our flight. Wish us luck and wait for the outcome in the LAST BLOG OF THE TRIP tomorrow 😦

Side note: at what point does it become acceptable to scold other people’s children. I understand spanking them is out. Sadly. But at some point you have to be able to do something, right? Yes, you guessed it – more wretched children on the plane.

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