The Great Ocean Road

Friday, January 23, 2015

Today is our LAST bus tour of the trip!! But it’s gonna be a long one (that’s what she said). 7am to 9pm long. 14 hours. On a bus. As soon as the bus pulls up we are filled with dread. It’s a mini bus, not a coach. That is what happens when you are a bargain hunting Jew and scour the internet for the cheapest tour. They call them “small group tours” as if it’s a selling point, when in actuality it is just an excuse for them to pack you into a tiny bus with no leg room like an animal for the better part of an earth’s rotation. On a bus tour, being stuck with 20 morons who have no common sense is basically the same as being stuck with 40 of them. You might as well get the extra leg room. Law of diminishing returns when it comes to stupidity.

So we are off. Stina and I each have a new book for the day so we are all set. We head down the coast and have some photo stops at various beaches. They are pretty. But a beach is a beach. We enter the Great Ocean road and then wind around for an hour or so before we stop for lunch in a little seaside town.

We were supposed to see wild koalas along the way, but as you all know, Stina and I repel wildlife and had no such luck. The tour guide said she has never not seen a koala on this trip…in ten years. Well Ms. Tour Guide, meet my friend, Black Cloud. He perpetually hangs over my head and fucks shit up. The afternoon is where the good stuff is. First we have to get the rainforest walk out of the way. This is our 42nd rainforest walk in the past few weeks, so we are kind of over playing Tree Jeopardy.

Ms. Tour Guide has a thing for tree’s that have rotted out and the top has fallen off. Every Aussie tour guide has one tree fetish. Not sure the rotted tree would be my choice, but to each his own.

Finally, we make it to the stuff you see on the postcards. We first stopped at Loch Ard Gorge, which has beautiful limestone cliffs and a hidden beach that looks like paradise. This was the site of Australia’s most famous shipwreck. It was a cargo ship named the “Loch Ard” that crashed into the cliffs in 1878. There were only about 50 or so passengers and two of them survived by floating into this beach. Straight up Titanic style. One of them floated on a table…so you know he probably pulled a Kate Winslet and refused to share that shit. Anyway, two 18 year olds, a boy and a girl, were stranded at this beach. They found a farm nearby where they were stuck for 3 months. And they did not fall in love and live happily ever after. At least lie to us for the sake of a good story. Anyway, there are a bunch of hiking trails, so our guide gave us 45 minutes and said we could fit two in. Stina and I did all three in 30 minutes. Shocker.

Next up was the 12 Apostles. No, there are not 12. There were never 12. It was actually never called the 12 Apostles, it was originally named “The Apostles” and people just stated adding the 12. There are currently 8. We had a photo shoot while trying to avoid the Asian bus and then we were on our way back home. Pictures for your viewing pleasure.

We looked for Magnums all day, but everyone just had the knock off ice cream bars. It was disappointing, indeed. We hated everyone on our bus because they were fucking morons who couldn’t even figure out how to exit row by row. So every time we got off a cluster fuck ensued in which everyone stared at eachother willing the other to make the first move. It was an early night for us. Not only because we are exhausted, but because tomorrow is Aussie Open day #2!! We only got the free tickets for Thursday, but our stag party friends informed us that you can just buy a ground pass for pretty cheap and get into the beer garden. You don’t get to watch the matches, but we all know Stina and I are just going for the beer.