New Zealand’s sad little city of Westport

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Happy Birthday Drew!!! I think the fact that it was my little brother’s birthday was the most exciting part of the day. And he isn’t even here.

Today we left Able Tasman National Park and headed to Westport. The sky was pretty gloomy and the forecast was rain. Our options for activities were surfing or horseback riding, neither or which are my cup of tea even when the sun is shining. We made a stop at “seal colony” on the way. Once you’ve been to SF, four seals sleeping on a rock just doesn’t really do it for ya. Then on to Westport on New Zealand’s West Coast. What is in Westport you ask? Absolutely nothing. Oh wait no, they have a supermarket. And coal museum, which was closed. I felt like I was in Tombstone. The only thing that is worse than this shit shitty little town, is this shitty little in town in the rain. I’ll give you one guess what we did to pass the time today. That’s right, Rory and Stina hit the Tui beer. We literally just sat around drinking beer all afternoon and evening. Oh wait, we had magnums too. And we ate dinner. We did another group dinner. Which basically means our bus driver buys a shit load of food, a group of people volunteer to cook, and then another group volunteers to do dishes, and Stina and I drink. The entire time. And say thank you. We are still waiting for someone to notice that we never do shit. Either they haven’t or they are too afraid to say something to us. My guess is its the latter.

Just an FYI, there are two new Americans on our bus that I did not tell you about yesterday because they are boring. I thought they were brother and sister. But no. They are on their honeymoon. On a backpacker bus. I’m pretty sure that is grounds for an annulment. At least it should be. What judge on earth wouldn’t grant that to you? I know this goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway just so its on record. If my new husband (whoever that lucky devil may be) takes me on a backpacker bus full of ass holes like me for our honeymoon, its over. Is this the part where everyone thinks to themselves “thats why she is still single”? If so, then yes. That is exactly why.

We played card games most of the evening with a bunch of Germans and Dutch. They have a game similar to Uno that you play with a deck of cards, but way less cool. At one point it was myself, Stina, and two others. They mentioned their ages – 18 and 19. Holy shit I’m old. I’ll be sending their parents a bill for babysitting. So we had some harmless good fun, but the bench of the table we were sitting on made my ass really itchy. That’s the worst. So we called it a fairly early night. Which is good, because tomorrow we head to Franz Joseph, and apparently shit gets cray in Franz Joseph. Sorry today’s blog sucks but I will no doubt have some absurd stories for you in the next one. Apparently there is a dance floor in Franz. FML.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Today we got to sleep in. Stina and I regained our rightful places in the front row of the bus with our German bus husbands (the Dick Docs). The old lady Bonnie stole our seat yesterday. She learned her lesson real quick though, don’t worry. Our driver, Lego, came to get us in the morning when she was unlocking the bus so we could get our spots in the front. It’s basically the opposite of high school. Cool kids sit in the front of the bus, boring faces in the back. And we sit next across from our German Dick Docs and pretend to hit on them all day. They secretly love it. Today we are headed for Franz Joseph!!! For those of you who don’t know what that means (all of you), we are going glacier hiking! And taking a helicopter to the glacier…weather permitting. Everyone cross your fingers.

Today we were supposed to stop along the drive for some hike. Probably to a waterfall, knowing NZ. But instead we opted to go to The Warehouse to pimp out our bus with Christmas decorations and do a Secret Santa. The Warehouse is basically the Walmart of NZ, minus the crazy Christianity and anti-union sentiment that goes along with it. So basically, heaven. It is true current-day NZ culture. Our bus is fucking ridiculous. Christmas shit everywhere. We made a video to Mariah Carey’s “I don’t want a lot for Christmas”…I’ll give you one guess who picked the song – me and Stina, obvi. And then we basically had a Christmas party on the truck bus while driving to Franz. Probably the most fun I’ve had at a party sober in a while. Or ever…since I’ve never been to a party sober. I basically make it my life’s mission to avoid being sober at parties. Perhaps I’m turning over a new leaf. But the case of beer under my seat at the moment says otherwise…

We also went to see some pancake rocks. It wasn’t too exciting, but I know you want pics of something. And we stopped at a “shaddow” cave, where you can take cute pics and all you can see is the shaddow. Obviously, the following had to be done.

The pancake rocks.  If you are into rocks.  I'm sure Bonnie is.
The pancake rocks. If you are into rocks. I’m sure Bonnie is.
Yeah, thats me and stina.
Yeah, thats me and stina.
More rocks
More rocks

Right after we all started to calm down, Smelly Cat decides that the party got her a little heated. So she took off her jacket, which was the only thing separating her arm pits from us, as she is in a tank top. I gaged. Literally. Oh did I mention she loves us and always tries to sit near us? This is where being so damn lovable really has its drawbacks.

Smelly Cat.  We jacked the pic from her fb.  Just to give you all a visual.
Smelly Cat. We jacked the pic from her fb. Just to give you all a visual.

Alright, we’ve just arrive in Franz Joseph’s. Tonight’s raging party will be on tomorrow’s blog, so I suggest you tune in. Just to give you a hint of what you are in for, Stina won a beer a check in for looking the most convincing when asked “who likes beer?” Thats my girl.

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