When traveling, I always see those girls who have a backpack the size of a tic tac box and yet still look effortlessly cute with a full face of makeup. Where the hell do these bitches find room for things like fake eyelashes, travel hair dryers and gladiator sandals in that backpack? I, my friends, am not one of those girls (I am aware that you are currently thinking to yourself, “no shit”). I have finally accepted the fact that I will look like I am going to (or coming from, more likely) the gym every day for the next two months of my life. The obstacles that have defeated me in my packing challenge are as follows:
Issue #1 – Summer in New Zealand is apparently not always hot. Who would have thought? It’s close enough to Australia, so shouldn’t the damn sun be out in December? Noooooo. This leaves me with the problem of packing for everything from lows in the 30’s to highs in the 100’s over my two months of travel (and no, I do not mean Celsius). Those of you that know me are also aware of the fact that I do not actually own clothes appropriate for weather in the 30’s, as I typically avoid cold like the plague. And do you people know how heavy jackets are? Let’s remember, I’m carrying this shit on my back. I did a trial run carrying my backpack around my house. I’m already considering busting out the icy hot. Note to self: pack icy hot.
Issue #2 – The toiletries necessary to make me [barely] presentable to the world seem to multiply with every year I age. When I was 21, I’m pretty sure I traveled around Europe with mascara and 2-in-1 shampoo. Now at the ripe old age of 29, my bag looks like I’m traveling saleswoman for Oil of Olay. Not to mention the entire ziplock bag I have devoted solely to medicine. I’m not talking just pain killers and pepto – this baby comes complete with things like Rx ear drops, a z-pak purchased for $6 in Vietnam, sleeping pills (do people sleep without these?), and the few xanex I have left in life, just to name a few. Because who knows when I’ll get an ear infection which leads to bronchitis while having a panic attack induced by lack of sleep. Should this situation occur, I will be ready, and then who will be laughing? The days of blissful ignorance and worry free travels are over. Luckily my 50-pack of earplugs doesn’t add too much weight.
Issue #3 – Every time I remove a pair of jorts from my backpack, and angel loses its wings. It’s true. I die a little inside every time I take something out. But if it’s between my Jammy Pack or looking cute, the Jammy wins EVERY TIME. For those of you who don’t know, a Jammy pack is a fanny pack (yes, a fanny pack) with a built in speaker from which you can play music from your iphone/ipod/whatever. Of all the things I have purchased in my life, the Jammy is top ten at least, if not top five. But seriously – 1 pair of jean shorts for two months? That is just wrong. They sell jorts in Australia, right? I will find out – right after I finish my google search for “do they sell fireball in Australia?”
The end result? About 30 pounds of shit to carry around on my back for two months. Oh fuck, I just realized I forgot a towel.